woops · 2025-12-18
Okay. We need to address the previous entry because wow. Mortifying. Full transparency, I had not touched edibles in over a month and accidentally got really high. Add in the fact that my period showed up ten days early, and suddenly everything makes sense. Last month was off, so I am choosing to believe my body is just rebooting. Still. The melodrama was aggressive. I really thought I was cooking some Socrates-level shit.
This happens like clockwork right before my period. Every time I think I am having a profound realization, it turns out to be some hormone-induced psychosis. I am about ninety-nine percent sure I have PMDD, but I refuse to pursue a formal diagnosis. I am not volunteering for the specialist carousel or the endless spending spree disguised as healthcare. Absolutely not.
That said, the core feeling about wanting to disappear is real. Just not in the way I framed it. Less tragic heroine dissolving into mist. More like just a person trying to avoid responsibilities. And honestly, I love that this journal exists to document my spirals. It is embarrassing, but also so human that it's kind of perfect.
proof of life · 2025-12-15
The moment you are perceived, space bends around you.
When someone is allowed to blend in, they pass through space with low consequence. They are present but not registered.
Even this freedom carries constraint.
Perception is legibility. A person becomes readable. They become something to be seen. Encountered. Interpreted. Responded to. The price of entry into the social layer.
Visibility carries density.
Attention has mass.
Perception determines the gravity by which one moves through the world, or even the movement of the world itself.
Lately I keep noticing how performative being human feels. Even participating in society at the bare minimum comes with expectations and scrutiny.
Part of me wants to be left alone entirely. To exist quietly. No interpretations. No pressure. Just being.
Selfishly, there’s another part of me that still wants everything. The experiences. The mess. The connection. The whole point of being here in the first place.
All, without the strings.
Spoiler: It doesn’t really work that way.
films · 2025-12-02
I have been rewatching Fruits Basket as a comfort show. I will revisit it properly when it is time to write the review, but right now the movie page has eaten my entire existence. It took forever. I wanted everything done before the theatre rerelease of Twilight, but apparently my motivation is an unpaid intern with no work ethic.
Speaking of Twilight, I did see Twilight and New Moon in theatres. Scheduling a rerelease on Halloweekend was criminal. Read the room. Still, I went. And then I went again on Sunday for the Twilight concert. Front row, dead center, a little tipsy and undeniably stoned. It was great. Meanwhile Reddit was having a meltdown over the noise level, which is embarrassing for them. If you are attending a Twilight rerelease expecting monastic silence, that is a personal crisis. Everyone there has seen the movies ten thousand times. It is not the Library of Congress. If they want reverent silence they can stay home and watch it like they already have a million times before. Some people genuinely cannot participate in joy without filing a complaint.
I still had a great time, even solo.
I want to go to the movies more often. Something about sitting in the dark with no notifications feels like a spa day for my brain. At home I get distracted by every screen within a five mile radius. Maybe the review section will bully me into paying attention.
I doubt anyone will actually read the reviews, but I like having them. I wish I had something like this as a teenager because I would love to see how deranged my opinions were back then. I will probably tackle my Books or Television page next. I am proud of the progress I have made so far. Also, pay your dues to catbox dot moe.
relapse · 2025-11-30
ok, so I definitely lied. I thought I could keep up my little streak of updating this site and pretending I had the discipline for it. but then Where Winds Meet started flooding my TikTok feed, and it looked exactly like my chance to be the main character in a period C-drama. of course, I downloaded it. I practically felt obligated!
once I started playing, everything else fell apart in record time. all the routines I was so proud of, skincare, pilates, sleeping like a functioning adult... gone. the real breaking point was Thanksgiving weekend, when I played forty six hours straight without a single break. it was impressive and concerning at the same time.
after that marathon, I finally crashed and slept twelve hours. I decided to retake my personality test for the first time in a decade. apparently I shifted from INTJ to INTP, which makes perfect sense. younger me was on edge and in survival mode; now I’m more open, more flexible, more curious. Which honestly, is way more me, rather than who I was because I had to be.
playing WWM just made me wish there were games like this for worlds I actually daydream about. imagine a Harry Potter game where you live on campus and actually go to classes. or a Naruto game where you start as a genin and work your way up to jonin or even kage. a real progression, with your own arc not some half-baked spin-off or fighting game. if those existed, I’d probably never step outside again. so yes, the website got neglected. but honestly, I had a great time. Can't promise I’ll pick things back up, but hopefully I recover from this addiction and become a functioning adult again.
small reset · 2025-11-22
i kind of disappeared from the site for a bit. after working on it nonstop for two weeks like a lunatic, i successfully burnt myself out. shocking, i know.
the plot twist is that i’ve actually been doing better offline. i started taking weekend walks like some sort of functioning adult. i go to pilates twice a week. i do skincare morning and night. i blow out my hair once a week and actually put on real outfits before leaving the house. makeup too like I used to once upon a time, even if i’m only going downtown for a coffee i didn’t need. it forces me outside, and honestly, it feels good to sit on the train with my book and pretend i’m the main character on a slice of life.
my skin looks the best it has in forever and i feel more put together when i’m out. so now my routine is basically: go outside, act civilized, come home, play league, and try to sleep before 5am like a normal human. baby steps.
learning · 2025-10-20
I finally learned how to compress files, and I’m not being dramatic when I say it changed my life. My site was screaming that I’d used almost 30% of my memory, and I spiraled for a full five minutes before figuring out compression existed. Now it’s sitting pretty at 2.6%. Efficiency queen behavior.
Next, I want to work on accessibility, starting with fitting some of my pages onto a standard square screen. It never occurred to me that it needed to be optimized, so I’d like to formally apologize to every web developer I’ve ever taken for granted. Still, I’m excited to figure it out. There’s something addictive about watching things actually work.
Outside of that, I haven’t slept properly in days. Insomnia’s back, and t̶o̶m̶o̶r̶r̶o̶w̶’̶s̶ (woops it's 4:30am) going to hurt. Send thoughts, prayers, and caffeine.
site progress · 2025-10-19
it’s officially been almost two weeks of me obsessing over this website. it started as a random idea and somehow turned into my entire personality. i finally got it to a point where i can add journal entries and updates, which means it’s at least semi-functional while i keep building everything else behind the scenes.
learning to code has been… chaotic. i don’t actually know what i’m doing, but i’ve been figuring it out as i go. chatgpt has basically been my tech team while i sit here acting like the creative director of something much bigger than it is.
every page has its own vibe because i can’t do just one. i get bored too easily. i want each one to feel like a different version of me, the same girl, different mood. maybe it would look cleaner if it were all cohesive, but i’d rather it reflect all sides of me which is why I started this project in the first place. Every other platform for journaling made me feel like I was creatively limited.
